What would you eat for your last supper?
Poisoned mushrooms, so I could have a race with the executioner — make a competition out of it.
What advice would you give your 18-year-old self?
‘Ignore me. You won’t be any wiser aged 42.’
What keeps you up in the middle of the night?
I’m a complete insomniac. My brain deliberately keeps me awake until 4am — it’s very depressing.
When have you felt at your sexiest?
I don’t think I ever have or ever will.
What’s the funniest thing you’ve read about yourself?
That I asked the editor of The Guardian to turn off the ‘comments’ on the bottom of my column page and when he refused, I quit.
Is there a book that changed the way you thought about things?
Mr Bump. It taught me that bad things can happen to good people.
Who would play you in the film of your life?
Either an actor at an absolute all-time career low or Laurence Fishburne.
What did you buy with your first pay cheque?
Records from the Virgin Megastore catalogue aged 15 when I was working as a cartoonist for a comic called Oink!, a child’s version of Viz.
What’s the worst job you’ve had?
At the Music & Video Exchange in Notting Hill, having to clear out a junkyard with bits of broken glass and a dead cat.
What’s been your biggest fashion mistake?
All of them. I haven’t got a clue about fashion.
Do you have any secret tattoos?
These days no one has a secret anything; the NSA would know.
What’s your desert island boxset?
The entire series of the original Twilight Zone.
Do you have any superstitions?
Yes, that if you think something awful is going to happen, it’s somehow more likely to happen.
What’s your karaoke song?
Karaoke annoys me, mainly because no one else is as uptight as me about enforced fun.
Charlie Brooker’s 2013 Wipe is on BBC Two on Saturday 28 December
