Lady of the manners

Dear Hettie

I'm organising the 2012 Olympics and, frankly, I think I'm doing a bloody good job. We're on time, on budget and we're wheeling out David Beckham at regular intervals - it's hard to imagine how things could be going any better. But 1.8 million people applied for 20 million tickets when there were only six million available, so now everyone's furious with me. What am I going to do?
Yours, Sebastian Coe*

The loneliness of the long-distance runner, eh? There you are, slogging your guts out year in, year out, and all anybody does is complain. What are we like? So ungrateful. But since no one's going to stop whingeing and it's a bit late now to resize all the stadia to allow for extra bums on seats, you're going to have to think outside the box. And my brilliant suggestion is this: The Olympic Fringe! Liven things up a bit because, let's face it - and with respect for the athletes involved - endless archery and dressage can be pretty dull (hammer throw and the 100m on the other hand). It works for the Edinburgh Festival, so why not here? All you need to do is dream up a few new disciplines: rush-hour fixed-gear bike racing around the West End; tourist slalom on Oxford Street (would be best done at Christmas, obviously, but, hello, fake snow machines); basement excavation in Notting Hill (although Team Poland might have an unfair advantage on that one). Fun and helpful. Frankly, I think I deserve a medal.

*Sebastian Coe's quandary as imagined by ES