Lady of the manners

Dear Hettie

I'm afraid it's already too late - there's noone on earth so zealously clean-living as a reformed wild child. No, you're going to have to come at this from a different angle if you want your legacy to survive. The only option is for you to step into the light and join him. Don't pull that face - it'll be fun! Just think of all the things you'll be able to start enjoying that you've long been missing out on in the name of rock'n'roll: candyfloss, DIY, haircuts, beach holidays, reruns of Dad's Army, slippers - the possibilities are endless. Then just wait until he gets married and has babies: here comes Grampozzy in his cardigan, doling out Werther's Orginials and reminiscing about his time as... a bloodsucking goth-rocker. Your stories will be catnip to the little darlings and before Jack knows what's hit him, they'll be rearing bats in their black-walled bedrooms and playing the electric guitar late into the night, while you sit, cackling softly, in the comfort of your rocking chair by the fire.

*Ozzy Osbourne's quandary as imagined by ES